In lieu of actual blog content today, here’s a little something I wrote for my most recent column in The Ann Arbor Paper:
Politics & You: Bill Clintonâ€™s My Life
With the recent release of Bill Clintonâ€™s massive autobiographical tome My Life, shitcans around the world are having their lids blown clean off. What many expected to be a benign and calculated account of the former Presidentâ€™s life was instead an earth-shattering mind-boggler of a tell-all tattly-hoo. Here are just a few of the more shocking excerpts:
A lot of people donâ€™t realize that The President of the United States gets to sample lots of products far in advance of the general public. For example, I had a camera-phone within three days of my inauguration in 1993. By the middle of my second term, I was already on my fourth no-emission fusion-powered jet-pack. Most people reading this book wonâ€™t even live to see a commercial for one of those. Excited about seeing Spiderman 2 this Summer? You ought to be; Iâ€™ve seen it, and itâ€™s awesome. You know whatâ€™s even more awesome? Spiderman 9, thatâ€™s what.
I donâ€™t want to hurt anyoneâ€™s feelings, but Al Gore wasnâ€™t my first choice for Vice President. He was actually my first choice for Secretary of Pants, Panties and Pantaloons. But even during my first campaign, it was clear that the Republicans in Congress would fight tooth and nail to block the development of a US Department of PP&P. At that point I realized that if I wanted Al to be a part of my administration, it was going to have to be as Vice President. Unfortunately, Iâ€™d already pretty much made up my mind that Elvira Mistress of the Dark would be my running-mate. I had quite a decision to make. Luckily, I was abducted by space-demons who implanted a molecule-sized bomb in my brain that would detonate if I didnâ€™t pick Al as my veep. Elvira is a real classy lady for understanding, and weâ€™re dear friends to this day. In fact, sheâ€™s Godmother to my seventh-favorite pastrami hoagie.
Okay, Iâ€™ll admit it: There was a third World War. Actually, there were half a bakerâ€™s dozen of World Wars. We did quite a job keeping them a secret, but it was pretty easy. After all, the fourth World War was fought completely underwater between NATO and Atlantis. World War Five took place inside the Moon. The only casualties of that one were robots and giant spiders, so I donâ€™t feel guilty saying that one was actually pretty fun. Phew. It feels good to finally get that all off my chest.