If It’s On Drudge, It Must Be True!

Word has it, Kerry’s VP choice is definitely Hillary Clinton. I dig the Gentlewoman from New York, but even if you aren’t a fan, just think of how incensed the right would be over it. A Black lesbian Muslim as Kerry’s running-mate wouldn’t piss off the GOP as much as Hillary.

Gadmotherfuckingzooks!

Condsider my entire torso exploded. I just heard the new Fiona Apple track. Imagine someone somehow got a microphone into the closet while Jesus Christ and Sacajawea played Seven Minutes in Heaven and you’ll start to get an idea how awesome this song is. I’ve still got goosebumps. More than worth the wait.

Scenestars, the mp3 blog where the track is linked, is a pretty damned swell site. I’m adding it to my recommended blogs list toot sweet!

[Link via Lindsayism]

You’ve probably heard about this movie Michael Moore Hates America that’s being made. I don’t think Michael Moore hates America, but I decided to check out the film’s site anyway. I read a bit and watched the trailers, and I have to say, all politics aside, the movie looks like shit. With that in mind, I was moved to make a new blog called Michael Wilson Hates Filmmaking. I have way too much time on my hands.

I Wrote Something

What do Franz Ferdinand, William Hung, Spider-Man, the population of Canada and Lindsay Lohan all have in common?

They’re all in this week’s Incoming! over on Black Table. I wrote it. Here’s a taste:

Canada Day is the final day of Nightlight Savings Time in Canada. At the strike of midnight, all Canadians gather around The Grand Canyon 2 in Ottawa and toss their nightlights in, pledging to keep the country nightlight-free until January 1, Canadian Mardi Gras.

In lieu of actual blog content today, here’s a little something I wrote for my most recent column in The Ann Arbor Paper:

Politics & You: Bill Clinton’s My Life

With the recent release of Bill Clinton’s massive autobiographical tome My Life, shitcans around the world are having their lids blown clean off. What many expected to be a benign and calculated account of the former President’s life was instead an earth-shattering mind-boggler of a tell-all tattly-hoo. Here are just a few of the more shocking excerpts:

Page 197:

A lot of people don’t realize that The President of the United States gets to sample lots of products far in advance of the general public. For example, I had a camera-phone within three days of my inauguration in 1993. By the middle of my second term, I was already on my fourth no-emission fusion-powered jet-pack. Most people reading this book won’t even live to see a commercial for one of those. Excited about seeing Spiderman 2 this Summer? You ought to be; I’ve seen it, and it’s awesome. You know what’s even more awesome? Spiderman 9, that’s what.

Page 701:

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but Al Gore wasn’t my first choice for Vice President. He was actually my first choice for Secretary of Pants, Panties and Pantaloons. But even during my first campaign, it was clear that the Republicans in Congress would fight tooth and nail to block the development of a US Department of PP&P. At that point I realized that if I wanted Al to be a part of my administration, it was going to have to be as Vice President. Unfortunately, I’d already pretty much made up my mind that Elvira Mistress of the Dark would be my running-mate. I had quite a decision to make. Luckily, I was abducted by space-demons who implanted a molecule-sized bomb in my brain that would detonate if I didn’t pick Al as my veep. Elvira is a real classy lady for understanding, and we’re dear friends to this day. In fact, she’s Godmother to my seventh-favorite pastrami hoagie.

Page 2680:

Okay, I’ll admit it: There was a third World War. Actually, there were half a baker’s dozen of World Wars. We did quite a job keeping them a secret, but it was pretty easy. After all, the fourth World War was fought completely underwater between NATO and Atlantis. World War Five took place inside the Moon. The only casualties of that one were robots and giant spiders, so I don’t feel guilty saying that one was actually pretty fun. Phew. It feels good to finally get that all off my chest.