NBC spent much of last week running a commercial for… a commercial! Not only does this prove that the network is an unscrupulous, money-grubbing whore, it also announces to all who care to listen that they have no quality programs left on Thursday night and have resorted to equating a credit-card spot starring their former golden boy with an actual television show. Nothing like killing two disgusting birds with one sleazy stone. Nice job, NBC.

Check out my latest TV column.

“Gosh I sure wish I could close my eyes and pretend Matthew Tobey was here in my house/workplace/wi-fi-enabled coffin/apartment with me.”

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve overheard a random person exclaiming that with a sigh, I’d walk with a limp because I keep all of my nickels in my left pocket. Well, America, your prayers have been answered. By clicking here or on the new link in the Audio section of the sidebar to your left, you can hear me as clear as day reading this classic Haypenny piece that I wrote under the pseudonym of Gary Plumb.

If you like plenty of nervous stuttering and stammering, you’re sure to love it!

Anyone who was sad to see the newer and improveder Washingtonienne yanked from cyber-space will want to bookmark Washingtonienne in Exile, the new home of everyone’s favorite beltway buttslut.

In case you didn’t read my TV Column last week, here’s my expert Spoiler-Free precap of tonight’s exciting season finale of 24.

The following takes place between 12pm and 1pm…

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12:00 – In a race against time, Jack and Chase must attempt to find the remaining vials before they are activated, unleashing the virus on an unsuspecting public and setting into motion an epidemic that could lead to the deaths of millions. Jack shouts into his cellphone to Chloe that he needs “those coordinates now!”

Chloe responds that she needs more time. A red-faced Jack screams that there is no more time and crushes the cellphone to bits in his bare hand.

12:08 – Back at CTU, Tony is faced with the possibility of a death sentence for treason. While being grilled under hot lights, Tony snaps and shouts at his interrogator, “If loving my wife is treason, then you might as well hang me now!”

The interrogator informs Tony that the federal government hasn’t used the gallows in decades and that he’d more likely die by lethal injection.

Tony scoffs, asking, “Are you a federal agent or the semantics police? jackass!”

The interrogator weeps. Tony has found his weak spot.

12:19 – Wayne bursts into David’s office to find David asleep on his desk. David wakes with a start and begins shuffling papers on his desk, feigning work.

“David, were you asleep?” Wayne asks.

“Asleep? Are you kidding? I was just… resting my eyes,” David unconvincingly responds.

“I should hope so. You’re the president of the United States. You can’t be sleeping on the job.”

“Give me a break, Wayne. I haven’t slept in like 30 hours. President or not, I’m starting to feel it. I swear, I keep thinking I see Alf out of the corner of my eye, but then I turn and realize it’s just my mini-fridge.”

“I’m sorry, David. We’re all very tired.”

“Anyway, what did you come in here all frantic for?”

“Um… you know, I completely forgot. Something with national security or some-such. Sheesh, I’m pretty tired too. Woah, was that a cartoon pony out in the hall?”

12:34 – Speeding through red lights and dodging on-coming traffic in their Ford Excursion, Jack and Chase are startled by a loud grumbling noise.

“Is that the engine?” Chase asks.

“No, it was my stomach growling.” Jack admits.

“I’m glad I’m not the only hungry one. As if fighting terrorism didn’t work up enough of an appetite, I haven’t had a bite since breakfast yesterday. Hey, I’ll bet you’re really starting to feel some wicked heroin withdrawals by now too, huh?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe, Chase.”

“Oh, man. There’s a McDonald’s up there. Would that hit the spot right now, or what?”

“And they have heroin in their fries too! Two birds with one stone.”

“If we act quickly, we could hit the drive-thru and still make it to stop the virus thing.”

“You’re speaking my language, kid!”

12:44 – Not having gone to the bathroom since he woke up the previous day, Stephen Saunders breaks down and offers to “disarm the virus distribution mechanisms via cellphone if you’ll just let me go to the loo!”

12:46 – The remaining fourteen minutes feature a four-panel split screen. In the first panel, Jack and Chase scarf down Big Macs, fries and milkshakes and attempt to put into words how “freaking good” it all tastes. Panel-two finds a slap-happy President Palmer having a heartfelt conversation with his mini-fridge, while the third panel shows Saunders standing at a urinal and exclaiming to himself, “oh yeah, this was totally worth it.” Finally, the fourth panel features Kim gently brushing her golden tresses with a faraway look in her eyes.

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I haven’t seen Super Size Me yet, but I’m willing to bet that even if it is a little on the deceitful and careless side, it’s not nearly as careless as this horrible op/ed from yesterday’s Detroit News.

I’m all for personal responsibility, and I don’t support the idea of suing a restaurant for making you fat, but to make the assertion that eating at McDonalds three meals a day can actually help one lose weight is ludicrous and is exactly the kind of thing that prompted Spurloch to make the film. The author of the piece James K. Glassman quotes a representative from the American Dietetic Association named Dawn Jackson. Jackson outlines a day’s worth of healthy meals at Mickey D’s that includes, “dinner of hamburger, small fries and Diet Coke.”

Oh my goodness! You’re going to have to roll me out of here. I’m damn-near stuffed to the gills after that hamburger, small fries and Diet Coke. You’ll have to excuse me. I don’t mean to be such a slob, but if I don’t unbutton my pants, the button could very well pop right off under the pressure from my suddenly expanded belly. After all, I did just consume an entire McDonald’s hamburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke.

#1. The Detroit News, James K. Glassman and Dawn Jackson ought to get corporate America’s dirty cock out of their mouths and go fuck themselves. I’d never heard of The American Dietician Association, so I did a little research and was shocked to see that their board of directors features employees of Burger King as well as other food-service companies. Shocked, I tell you!

#2. Since most people end up resorting to fast food because it’s hot, convenient, cheap, tasty and filling, why doesn’t someone make a movie exploring the reasons why no one has the time or money to eat healthfully? Being that they’re one of the world’s largest employers of poor people, McDonald’s could be just as easily and probably more effectively taken to task in that movie.

#3. I have a little bit of a problem with so many people jumping the gun and calling Morgan Spurloch the next Michael Moore just because Spurloch ate McDonald’s three meals a day for a month. Michael Moore’s been eating McDonald’s eleven meals a day for over forty years, so Spurloch’s got a long way to go if you ask me.