The latest issue of Go and Do Downriver came out yesterday, featuring another fun-filled edition of my TV column. Among other things, this entry of Go Tubing includes my expert predictions for Sunday’s Oscar telecast:

*In his opening monologue, host Billy Crystal will work in a joke about Janet Jackson’s breast-bearing half-time performance. Cameras will cut to a sunglasses-donning Jack Nicholson chuckling heartily and offering Crystal an approving point and nod.

*No matter who takes home the award for Best Achievement in Sound, the recipient will undoubtedly dedicate his or her Oscar to funnyman Dave Coulier, adding, “You are my lover, my friend, the father of my daughter, the mother of my son, and without you none of this would be possible.”

*Peter Jackson will be given the Best Director award by default when it is revealed that he ate the other nominees during a commercial break.

*Best Actress nominee Charlize Theron will turn heads when she shows up on the red carpet wearing Vera Wang–not a gown, but the actual designer herself, tastefully and elegantly draped around the Monster star’s body.

*Before announcing the award for Best Animated Short Film, presenter Tim Robbins will use the opportunity to voice his opposition to the U.S. policies regarding the nomadic toothpaste farmers of Western Latvia.

I certainly wouldn’t ever wish death on anyone, but I have to admit I’m a bit alarmed by the recent death-dearth in the celebrity universe. 2003 saw stars dropping left and right like so many flies. In fact, in the four months between Bob Hope kicked the bucket on July 28 and Jonathan Brandis went to the big B-list in the sky on November 21, no less than the following noteable names left this mortal coil:

Sam Phillips

Gregory Hines

Idi Amin

Wesley Willis

Bobby Bonds

Charles Bronson

Warren Zevon

Leni Riefenstahl

John Ritter

Johnny Cash

Gordon Jump

Robert Palmer

George Plimpton

Elia Kazan

Jack Elam

Elliott Smith

Fred “Rerun” Berry

Rod Roddy

Bobby Hatfield

Art Carney

Michael Kamen

However, in the three months since then, we’ve only seen the demise of Senator Paul Simon, Earl “The Neighbor from Home Improvement” Hindman, Ann Miller, Captain Kangaroo and Helmut Newton. The cast of The Surreal Life has more star-power than that sorry quintet. Moreover, unless you count Adam Sandler’s dog, there hasn’t been a single celebrity death in the entire month of February.

Have the privileged and noteworthy stumbled upon some sort of scientific breakthrough that they aren’t sharing with us lowly dirt-people? Unless some celebs start buying the farm toot-sweet, I suggest the proletariat start demanding some answers.

Gentlemen, start your Michael Jackson joke engines!

Study: Monkey’s Protein Prevents HIV

Hee hee hee:

Disney Asks Judge to Throw Out Pooh Suit

Walt Disney: Seriously, you stink! Throw it out.

Judge Reinhold: But I think I look handsome in my pooh suit.

Walt Disney: Oh screw it, just keep sucking.

Judge Reinhold: Okie dokie, boss.

As yesterday proves, I have a habit of letting politicians get me hopping mad. But sometimes politicians do cool things too. Take Michigan Congressman John Dingell for example. In light of the Bush Administration’s proposal to reclassify fast-food jobs as manufacturing jobs, Dingell fired off this hilarious and very sharp letter to the Chairman of Bush’s Council of Economic Advisors:

Dear Dr. Mankiw:

Finally, at a speech he gave in Michigan this past September, Secretary Evans announced the creation of a new Assistant Secretary for Manufacturing. While I understand that it takes a while to find the right candidate to fill these positions, I am concerned that five months after the announcement no Assistant Secretary has yet been named. I do, however, know of a public official who would be perfect for the job. He has over thirty years of administrative and media experience, has a remarkable record of working with diverse constituencies, and is extraordinarily well qualified to understand this emerging manufacturing sector: the Hon. Mayor McCheese.

In other news: A bar in Lansing, Michigan kicked out two gay men for allegedly being overly affectionate.

My cousin happened to be in the bar that night, and while she doesn’t personally know the men in question, she did notice them there and backs up their claim that they didn’t do anything offensive. With gay rights such a hot topic this week, this will hopefully get the attention it deserves. What Sammy’s bar did certainly isn’t illegal, but it is wrong.