Apparently, Illinois Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. (D) has introduced legislation to amend the US Constitution in order to guarantee every American citizen the right to an equal high quality public education. If ratified the amendment would mean an end to our current “states rights” education system and would lead to equal funding of all of the nation’s public schools.

At first I thought this was a great idea, simple and brilliant, a huge step toward bridging the huge educational and opportunity gaps between the classes. But before long my blood boiled as I realized that Jackson is a sleazy fat cat just like all of the other Washington windbags.

Just think about who will really benefit from such an amendment. Of course there are the obvious groups such as every single American child and all of the country’s underpaid and overworked public school teachers. Then there are the millions of people who will get all of the new jobs that will be created in order to renovate and repair the thousands of schools that aren’t yet up to par with the best, most technologically advanced American schools. And yes, learning disabilities will be diagnosed and addressed, youth depression will drop, the workforce will be bigger and brighter, homeowners living near the schools will see their property values rise considerably, crime will decline drastically along with dropout rates, science and the arts will flourish like never before, the clouds will clear and God will smile down upon us all in the form of a soft warm sunbeam that smells like daisies and love. But who really benefits from this amendment? Well, start by asking yourself what will become extinct once all public schools are adequately funded. Give up? The bake sale!

That’s right, the whole thing is being orchestrated by “big baked-goods.” Lobbyists from Pillsbury to Duncan Hines are surely lining Jackson’s pockets to ensure that their biggest competition is permanently taken out of the equation. Shame on you Representative Jackson, shame. The next thing you know, he’ll be toppling the chicken soup industry by proposing universal health care.

Boy, that was a lot of typing to get to a couple of lame punchlines. You’re welcome.

Though the primaries are still a year away, it’s never too early to start educating yourselves about the candidates out there. After all, how will you understand Jay Leno’s monologues if you don’t have a handle on who the next US President is. So, to lend you a figurative hand, from time to time, when I can’t think of anything else to blog about, I will present overviews of a few of the ambitious young men and women who just might find themselves in the White House come January, 2005.

Governor Howard Dean, MD

Not only is Howard Dean the governor of Vermont, he’s also a doctor. I have no idea why that’s noteworthy, but it seems like it is.

Pros:

1. Strongly in favor of universal healthcare.

2. Being from Vermont, possibility of secretary of defense Ben and deputy communications director Jerry.

3. When faced with budget crises, gains the strength of eleven elephants.

Cons:

1. An unremorsefully loud chewer.

2. Vocally prejudiced against the Swedes.

3. Pushed Baby Jessica in the well.

Carol Moseley Braun

A former US Senator and Ambassador to New Zealand, if elected, Moseley Braun would be the first female African American US President since Warren G. Harding.

Pros:

1. Authored the Educational Infrastructure Act.

2. Wrote Wipe Out.

3. Fluently speaks 83 different languages.

Cons:

1. Takes pleasure out of giving away the ending to The Usual Suspects.

2. Hates pictures of ducklings nuzzling kittens.

3. Invented chicken pox.

Look for more of these candidate profiles as the year wanes. Hopefully when election time comes along I’ll have influenced you to vote, not for the candidate who best represents your politics, but for the one I want you to vote for.

Wow, would you look at all the shit in the menu bar on the left? I’m not pointing any fingers, me, but it looks like someone was extra-starved for validation today.

Here’s the 411 on all of the new features:

MSN Messenger users can now send me an instant message whenever the little icon is green. If the icon is red it means that I’m offline and you have bad timing. If the icon is yellow it means that there is a clear and present danger of a terrorist attack against my blog. If the icon is purple it means that the British are coming by sea. Finally, if the icon is ever blue, God forbid, it means that a Monkee has passed away.

As if the ability to go one-on-one with me instant-message-style isn’t enough, I’ve also created a mailing list. What kind of emails will you receive if you sign up on the list? If you don’t sign up, even I will never know.

That’s all for now. If you haven’t already, check out the superior hilarity of the new Haypenny issue, and read Claire Zulkey’s interview with the Haypenny editors.

Two things:

First, there is a new item in the a/v section. It’s a public service announcement regarding a problem that is plaguing the nation’s youth. The mainstream media won’t cover it, so I took it upon myself to raise some awareness. Click the link in the a/v section, or click it here if you’re really that unbelievably lazy.

Secondly, today’s entry is shorter than usual and void of much of the witty discourse and dazzling graphics you’ve become accustomed to over the days, because you, readers of the 21st century, have a minimal attention span, and there are more important things to be read. Specifically, I’m referring to my interview on Zulkey.com along with my three associates from Haypenny. As there is a link to Claire Zulkey’s site in my list of recommended blogs, you’re surely familiar with the site already and, more than likely, have plans to head over there as soon as you’re done here. Well good, you’re done here.

Come back and comment on the interview and the new video.

By now, every blog on earth has surely covered the now-famous canine Rasputin, so I’ve decided to skip my planned discussion of other animals I wish were indestructible. Instead, I bring you, my nearly dozen readers, a dispatch from my spot outside my local AMC theater. I and hundreds of others have been camped out here for several hours, some for days, in anticipation of tomorrow’s release of The Real Cancun.

Not since the brouhaha that took place in the days before In the Bedroom hit the big screen have I had such a good time waiting for a movie. My newfound line buddies and I have been carousing all day and night as we eagerly await the opportunity to live the magic of spring break in the safety of a movie theater and without the threat of genital warts.

The truth is, I never had the opportunity to experience spring break myself. Every year, without fail, I’d save up enough money to cover travel, drinks and abortions, and every year, without fail, I’d blow it all on swizzle sticks and pony rides before spring had sprung. College was a strange and awkward time for me.

So now, without any further ado, I present, in the form of things overheard in line* over the past twenty-four hours, The Real Waiting in Line for The Real Cancun.

Mustachioed Young Man: “The reality feature is the greatest advancement in filmmaking since the cotton gin!”

Bespectacled Young Man: “Amen to that. I feel as my grandfather surely felt when he camped out for the first showing of Citizen Kane.”

Mustachioed Old Man: “Between a liberated Iraq and this movie, there just might be hope for the human race after all.”

Bespectacled Old Man: “You said it, Mustachioed Old Man. I heard an internet rumor that several scenes were shot with a dick-cam to get us that much closer to the divine majesty of the spring break hook-up. Take that, Islamofascists!”

Mustachioed Young Woman: “I swear to god, I shave and shave and the son of a bitch just keeps growing back.”

Bespectacled Young Woman: “I know how you feel, I tried to shave off my spectacles once and they just grew back thicker. Luckily, we’re going to see The Real Cancun very soon. My cousin saw an advanced screening and the glow from the projector cured his rickets.”

*For all of my east-coast readers, “in line” is English for “on line.”