The latest issue of Go and Do Downriver came out yesterday, featuring another fun-filled edition of my TV column. Among other things, this entry of Go Tubing includes my expert predictions for Sunday’s Oscar telecast:

*In his opening monologue, host Billy Crystal will work in a joke about Janet Jackson’s breast-bearing half-time performance. Cameras will cut to a sunglasses-donning Jack Nicholson chuckling heartily and offering Crystal an approving point and nod.

*No matter who takes home the award for Best Achievement in Sound, the recipient will undoubtedly dedicate his or her Oscar to funnyman Dave Coulier, adding, “You are my lover, my friend, the father of my daughter, the mother of my son, and without you none of this would be possible.”

*Peter Jackson will be given the Best Director award by default when it is revealed that he ate the other nominees during a commercial break.

*Best Actress nominee Charlize Theron will turn heads when she shows up on the red carpet wearing Vera Wang–not a gown, but the actual designer herself, tastefully and elegantly draped around the Monster star’s body.

*Before announcing the award for Best Animated Short Film, presenter Tim Robbins will use the opportunity to voice his opposition to the U.S. policies regarding the nomadic toothpaste farmers of Western Latvia.