Poker? I Barely Knew ‘er!
January 20th, 2012
Guys, I know it’s been a while since I posted here. It’s because I’ve been occupying myself devising the first new poker game since Pog Poker was announced in 1993. And now, I’m finally ready to share with you my rules for 8-Card Manitoba Stud.
- Players should be seated in alphabetical order, except anyone named Gus. Guses are wild and can sit wherever they want.
- The player who saw The Lake House least recently deals first.
- The dealer deals each player eight cards, the first two face up, the next four face down and the final two into each player’s chaffing dish. Each player melts a stick of butter with the two cards in the chaffing dish until a roux forms.
- The dealer then flips 23 cards face up. This is called the flop, and none of these cards count.
- The dealer then flips one card. If it’s a nine, the hand is over and the cards are redealt. If it’s not a nine, betting begins with the player who most resembles a present, past or future US Secretary of Transportation.
- The dealer rolls a twenty-sided die and another round of betting ensues.
- Once betting has ended, all players show their cards.
- Jacks are worth six.
- Sixes are worth 20.
- Anyone with a straight flush is disqualified.
- Anyone with a full house has to hold his or her breath until they draw the king of diamonds in a later hand.
- Three threes beats four fours, unless you also have seven twos.
- Aces and eights is no longer the “dead man’s hand” but Redman’s hand. Anyone with this hand wins 11% of the pot as long as he or she is able to locate rapper Redman and tickle him.
- After the hand has ended, all the cards are collected and ground into a fine powder which the dealer must snort. This will induce a vision of the one true reality that exists beneath the facade we perceive as the universe. The face of God will appear before him or her and reveal who deals next.
- No swears.
